This blog has been an obedience thing for me. I know there are certain things and testimonies I am supposed to share, so writing a blog seemed to be the easiest way for me to do that. When I decided to go ahead and do this I had already decided that there were certain topics that I would never touch. Not ever. But then God started waking me up at night with thoughts of these topics. I have woken up around 2:30 every morning for months now and all I can think about are the same few things. So I guess it’s time to share.
I’ve always been “thin”. Looking back at pictures of me as a child, I was always skinny… bony actually. I ate whatever I wanted and never gained a pound. I can’t remember ever thinking about my size or weight. So, you can imagine my surprise when I got pregnant and gained 50 pounds. I didn’t lose the weight immediately. And I felt weird. I didn’t know how to find clothes that fit. I didn’t want to go anywhere for a while because I was huge and uncomfortable. So, I decided to eat a little less. I was also starting college again at the time, so I knew that staying busy would help me not eat as often. At first I didn’t realize how many meals I was actually skipping, until I started to see the number on the scale going down. That’s when I started making a point to miss meals, and more meals. I remember I started coming up with excuses whenever someone would ask me if I wanted to eat. “I’m not hungry.” “I already ate.” “Let me finish this chapter and then I’ll eat.” The process seemed to spiral quickly in a direction I had never been before.
I remember lying in bed, feeling my stomach growl, and feeling a sense of accomplishment, like I had conquered my stomach. I remember I didn’t sleep very well, because I was so hungry all the time. So I found a solution. I began drinking about 8-10 cokes a day. This kept my stomach feeling satisfied and I wasn’t lagging as much because of all the sugar and caffeine I was ingesting. Day after day the chains of bondage just got tighter on me, and I didn’t know how to escape. It didn’t really catch my full attention until one of my friends asked me when the last time was when I had eaten and I replied, “Four days ago.” Thank God, my friend finally spoke up. At this point, it was not uncommon for me to eat maybe 4 meals a week. I sometimes wonder how many people knew I was starving myself, but never said anything about it. How many people listened to my excuses and never wanted to know what was going on?
I think a common misconception is that eating disorders is just about not eating. It’s not. It can also be about overeating. For me, it was fear and anxiety about eating anything; Feeling guilty about enjoying a meal; Hating myself for eating more than once a day; Wondering how I was going to lose a pound if I gained one. My whole thought process revolved around food and how I was going to avoid it. Looking back, I don’t even know how I made it through college with my thoughts being so focused on eating, or not eating.
January 2012 I finally realized that I needed to make a decision. I had been hiding my problem for almost 5 years. I was down to around 100 pounds, and I was miserable. I still don’t understand how a Christian could get caught up in such bondage… I never saw it coming. I decided in the middle of the night one night that I needed to go somewhere that I could get my help and deliverance. I chose a Christian conference that was starting that next weekend. So I drove myself to Atlanta, found a hotel, attended this conference, and found my escape from bondage. I was in a place where I needed to get away from “my life” to be able to find my freedom. I had actually tried before to start eating on my own, but I couldn’t. That weekend, I met two women who prayed with me and spoke so much life to me and over my situation. I found my freedom.
I have put 30 healthy pounds back on since that day. I have decided that there is a certain weight that I will no longer allow myself to get under. I am healed, but I know that it is also important to continue to be aware of myself, and my ability to fall into bondage again. I am not immune. I have a friend who asks me pretty regularly how much I am weighing, and I appreciate her. She is holding me accountable, and she doesn’t even know it.
Just because you are a Christian doesn’t make you immune to bondage. We as Christian’s must be careful with what thoughts we allow to fester in our minds. Those thoughts become actions, and can quickly lead to bondage. I found out the hard way that being saved doesn’t mean I cannot be lead astray. If you are in bondage today, bondage of any kind, cry out to the Lord. He can heal and restore ALL things. He did it for me, so I know He can do it for you.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1
February 21- 27 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week
If you, or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please share and encourage them to get help. God is able.
My Journey To Jesus 